it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
