I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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