Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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