By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
