then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
