literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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