My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize