Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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