the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize