My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I party with great urgency now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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