we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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