I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
