my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
