I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
As shirtless as possible
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
