He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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