She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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