I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This is the high leading the old right now
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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