Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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