Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
