so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
