If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
