Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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