Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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