if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
