i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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