Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
