You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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