i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
