im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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