I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
