my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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