Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
