i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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