i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
