Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
