my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
