i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
