Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
