I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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