Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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