why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
did i just pee glitter
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize