All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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