A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
