I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
