Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
