I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize