today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
