Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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