pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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