I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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