FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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