Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
