I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
