It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
