Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
