I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
