I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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