i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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