I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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