my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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