we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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