Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
